What About Socialization?

Question: Socialization
What about socialization for homeschooled children?

Umm Salar Hs:

 I wouldn't say the for and against argument is that clear cut: not all school going children are pigeon holed and not all home schooled kids that I've seen are inquisitive/curious. There are some homeschooled children who actually are socially awkward but then so are some school goers.
I feel apart from the 'education' factor- there is also upbringing and a child's exposure to life that comes into play. Wouldn't say it's fair to put on a label on either.
 But I do think that homeschooling pushes caretakers/parents to find more interesting and out of the box avenues for their kids to socialise.

SM: 2 boys, 1 girl ages/ 5-10

 I agree with you Mariam.
But I would add that homeschooled kids generally seem to be more comfortable being themselves.
At least that's my experience with my kids and those in our group.

Umm Salar Hs: At least those who care about that aspect of homeschooling.
Well I've met many more homeschoolers than our limited group and I would say it different for every child. I haven't found that observation to be present in ALL.
 I believe a family's input and a child's exposure on a broad spectrum would determine how they feel about themselves and how they conduct themselves with people all around. I've found some homeschoolers to be extremely shy. But have also seen this as much in school goers. But then again give or take I think it's a hard question to completely answer.
Have not seen the shyness* factor as much I meant- in school goers.
Parents and how they interact with their kids I feel really determines children's confidence. Whether they are homeschooled or go to school.
 But again...id love to hear some veteran homeschoolers' take on this :) have been very curious about it myself. In my experience socialising a child with their peers (not necessarily the exact same age group) has tenfolds of benefits in their development. They learn a lot from each other. Sometimes things that adults can't get across.
An example-- I'd been trying to teach my son swimming for a month and something was off in his synchronizing-- for one or two days after I let him swim only with kids,splash around etc. The next thing I know he comes to me and says.."this kid showed me how to do this" and he got it. So that's Alhumdulillah a small example..
I also observed better speech development when my son was exposed to other kids. In contrast to just being with adults.

SK HS: 2 children/ Boy 3.5 yrs Girl 1.5 yrs

In my opinion, when we opt for homeschooling, we must offer them various exposures like the activities and exhibitions etc. A meet up of homeschooling kids and other kids at some place competing and contributing for a cause or any activity. If a child is kept inside home only then it hinder some crucial personality traits. This is where I lack that to provide for opportunities.

SM:3 boy 1 girl/Ages 10-5

Homeschooling doesn't mean keeping your children at home and depriving them of interaction with other children and adults. People who assume that of homeschoolers are silly.

Socializing happens in many places:
siblings
Parents
Grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousin's
Friends made through parents
Friends made within the homeschool community
Friends made through external classes/sports activities
Interacting with shop keepers
And the list goes on....

All these different interactions require slightly different behaviors. We want our children to be able to handle themselves appropriately no matter who they are with. Time spent with role model adults is given as much importance (possibly more) as time spent with children of the same age. A varied social experience isn't always possible when school takes up 8 hours of the day, followed by homework and tuition.

Most school kids are hung up on age being a criteria for friendship. Similar age does facilitate friendship on the assumption that there will be common interests. But age shouldn't be a limitation to building friendships. Being out of school encourages homeschoolers to choose from a broader circle the people they want socialize with.

Also, some children are simply happier with less socialization.

My elder son was extremely shy and lacked confidence while school. I strongly feel that homeschooling helped him gain confidence at his own pace. He was able to overcome his shyness with out pressure to interact with people. He is still shy but nowhere near as much as before. I'm actually amazed when relatives come up to me at family gatherings to ask me what I'm doing with my kids because they are able speak so confidently with adults. Alhamdulillah!

Finally, I always remind non-homeschoolers that there is such a thing as too much socialization and negative socialization. As homeschoolers, we have more control over who our children are influenced by, and it's up to us to decide how much socialization is required by our children. As they get older and more independent, insha'Allah they will be able to make healthy choices in friends and remain true to their own personality and beliefs.

Mrs. AH: 2 sons?aged 7 and 15

I second everything that SM has so brilliantly touched on. Furthermore I'd like to elaborate on the fact that besides restricting interaction to the confines of age school socialisation is based (just like everything else within school) on a standard formula to which it is assumed that every kid will correspond.

An acknowledgement needs to come forth with regards to every person and child's unique need and way of socialising.Some will be very social by nature, some will be shy, some will feel the need to interact with elders, other may be very susceptible to outside influences etc.

The point is, every child's need is different,as is ours. We see it amongst ourselves, some friends are very social and yet others feel socially awkward and only do well in one on one circumstances and we all went to school and yet school has not made us any "better." At the risk of repeating myself,humans by nature are so unique from one another I don't feel it makes any sense to try and fit everyone in the same recipe.

This being said,we come back to the point that parents will be the only ones who will have their kids best interest at heart and will try their best to cater to their children's needs, be it social or academic.

As homeschoolers we generally get more freedom to cater to our children's individual needs but the concern of not being able to cater what you'd like to is real.Sometimes we have no choice but to send them to schools and sometimes we have no choice over their exposure within the family and yet other times we might not be able to expose them to social circumstances as often as we'd like and all of that is OK,it's called life and it seldom goes the way you want it to. But as long as you've tried and done your best within the circumstances you find yourself in the rest will be taken care of with du'a.

There was one thing that helped me decide to stand up for my kids regarding homeschooling and that is the fact that as long as they re too young to make their own decisions I am responsible of making those choices for them,it's my job and the realisation of the importance of this duty has given me the strength to move forward.Nevertheless,this continuous struggle for your kids' best interest needs to always be accompanied by the humble realisation that many a times our hands will be tied to some extent but as long as we do our best the rest will happen with Allah's help, insha'Allah.

  

Umm Salar Hs: 1 son, aged 5

The first reaction that I mostly get from people when I explain homeschooling is how unfair it must be for the child to be missing out on all the 'fun' and the opportunity to be more 'worldly' by being in an environment where he would learn by being exposed to different traits of different children and through competition. This brings me to question what exactly is fun and what exactly is worldly and who has made these definitions. Whether in school or homeschooling, our perceptions about life are constantly changing. Why does it need to be a set pretext when it comes to children? My problem with school is the robotic sequence of repeated days and times and the  restriction to grow at ones own pace. My problems is also the fact that we have very little control of who our children might befriend. We might not be able to correct things in time etc. So homeschooling, as Mrs AH beautifully explained, gives us that control. But with that control also comes a good amount of responsibility because our kids are solely dependent on us to find friends. The correct way to say it would be homeschooling kids socialise "differently"from their school going counterparts. They spend a large time being around those who are not boxed in the same room as them for years. So this diversity is perhaps more powerful and enriching and knowledgeable than the environment of a school. Perhaps, because it allows for a pressure-free pace to judge, approach and befriend. Also it allows for befriending older or younger mates which by many educationists' standards is better than having friends in only ones "own age group".
The avenues are plenty as the responses above have highlighted. But it is up to the parents to make that effort. It's one of those challenges that we must take up to task. Without being given the opportunity to interact at different avenues this just won't happen for homeschoolers.
Another reality is that homeschooling kids need to make more effort at keeping friendships because it's not taken for granted that you will be meeting your mates physically every single day.
But it proves that over socialising does not really make it any better.
I also feel that living in a city as dangerous as ours further limits how much outside physical freedom we can afford to give our children. Even our older boys. That is truly something that is shaping our children's generation into a paranoid, warped and home-bound society on a large level. That's a challenge truly and I'd like to hear how mothers of older children handle this fear.
At the end, every child's needs are unique so are their circumstances. While being out of school is truly a blessing for those kids who have the opportunity and means, for some it might jeopardize their growth. Some people's families are not the ideal environment where they would like their children to be exposed on a regular basis or even every single whole days. The environment might actually do more damage in learning and their socialising then help. Also not every parent may find it easy to homeschool or to provide socialising opportunities to their children. They simply may not have the means despite wanting to. In that case one must make the correct choice. I've come across many parents who are extremely happy after pulling their kids out of school and homeschooling. But I also know those who realised they couldn't do it for various reasons and enrolled their kids so it wouldn't be unfair. So it cannot be one formula fits all. It must be a tailored overall decision.

SA: 4 daughters /aged 0.8 - 11yrs

I worry that our city's security situation really limits how much our kids socialize. Kids in my generation played out on the streets in the evenings and could go buy groceries for the the family alone. Do kids still do that? I don't allow it though I'm tempted to do so and drive behind them at a distance. I sometimes rely on my driver to send my elder daughters to their friends' or events, with my heart in my mouth. But then I wouldn't feel safe sending them to an institution daily with the driver! So I have to drag myself and my two toddlers along if I want any peace of mind. It just seems to me you need a lot of resources and spare time (to be security guards for kids) to socialize even in this city of 20 million people. What tricks do you use to overcome security risks?

Being able to select kids' social circles is a great advantage for homeschoolers. Especially at younger ages when they are so impressionable. When my daughter went to school I organized many parties and visited her friends' houses too. Even when the moms were very friendly and striving to be good Muslims, like attending madrasahs and learning Quran, their kids seemed to be on a different track, lead on by tv and consumer items. Very sad. I'm sure this was just a small sample from all the variety of children in her class. However with very little access to her in her school premises, I was helpless with whom she hung out with. At home and even with joint families at least you know the challenge you have and what you are up against. You aren't in the dark about your kids' company. Alhamdulillah I've been fortunate to find like-minded families while homeschooling and I couldn't access such families even though I tried when I sent my daughter to school. I hope and pray all you sisters are able to find the company of wonderful families for yourself and your kids.

Sadaf2161‬: 

I would like to add my little experiences as even though I went to school I was raised in isolation but not exactly mummy daddy girl. I was overly protected by my parents as they lost my older brother at age 15. So then becoming an only child any parent is bound to become overly protective.
My father was a businessman. With a very streetwise ex husband who use to bully me left right and center, trust me it is only fear of Allah and understanding of my deen that has saved me. In short the morals not street wiseness. If it's street wise that we want our children to become, mind you there will always be another smarter than your child. The promise of "Rizq" is with Allah. Alhamdulillah! Can our street wiseness be compared to His rules of life ?
Now I deal with different kinds of institutes like CBC, DHA, FBR, customs etc. and I need not mention the level of corruption in their practises. If I don't have my papers right all the time (morals), I don't think I can out smart such evil geniuses who are nothing less then hovering vultures.
This is my experience. I not challenging anyone's opinion. Hope not to have offended anyone.

MS: 2 boys, 1 girl/ ages 15, 8, 1.5
Sadaf2161 I do agree on some points. But children do need to be street smart . Unfortunately, even though my oldest is going through the school system he isn't any street smarter . And elders keep pushing me to let him out alone more . Street smart doesn't mean to deviate him from Allah and teach him to cheat , back stab but he needs to learn to push to be seen to take credit for his work, to plan accordingly and not be taken advantage of . Do you get what I am trying to say? I have utter and complete faith in Allah that He provides but that doesn't mean we don't have to work hard for it . I don't want any of my child to be left behind because he didn't know how to push forward . meant no offence . Just my opinion .

Mrs AH: 

But in the context of   extended social interaction vs limited social interaction,I feel that street smartness is not the top of the list to be worried about.

SK2:

 A very relevant discussion. I think being street smart is not bad but realizing your weaknesses, such as humility, innocence or simple mindedness as they are often considered negatives in today's world,  makes one rely on God more. And when He responds to you, then there is no street smart guy who can outdo you. So I think we should concentrate more on making our kids God aware and leave them in God's protection and care. He will fight their battles for them.

Sadaf2161‬: 

 I think a lot depends on the nature of the child. Some when exposed to too much socialising (schooling) get bullied. Instead of becoming social and interactive, they go in their shells.
And those who have limited exposure come out beautify when needed.

SM:

 Some are also naturally street smart. My second son certainly is!

But while he is young I have the opportunity to supervise him more and steer him towards making morally correct choices and behavior.

  

Umm Salar: 

Well said. Everyone has put forward thought provoking points across. Mrs. AH thank you for taking the discussion further. Yes the fathers have a perspective to add.
And while saying this I am questioning myself too. We talk about being able to control everything our children would be doing and to be able to control their company- how long do we _really_ think that we can control every aspect of their lives. Do we think when they are independent- some of what we have taught them would not be undone? Ofcourse it will be. I think a large part of our well being depends on putting trust in Allah too.
When we send our children out- even in riskier situations- we are trusting Allah to guide and protect them aren't we? I believe somewhat is the same with socialising. We will never be able to totally control this after a certain point in time..and that is something I try to prepare myself for as a mother.
Now for the fathers' perspective- and this is coming from a place of concern and well wishing of course. Some of them are in hiring positions and some were in the position that allowed them to interview kids for university admissions..so it's safe to say they had the chance to come face to face with all kinds of young adults. Interestingly some mentioned a few instances where they were interviewing some who have been homeschooled as kids too.
First of all the general observation was that being in an institution enables an appreciation and understanding of formal ceremonies..not just events but how to conduct oneself. How to respect others' point of views, a sense of working in a team. Secondly there was a stark prominence of being socially and verbally assertive (being able to stand up for oneself in midst of debates / being streetwise as someone said is not about committing a wrong act but to be self confident) which translates into confidence..they found that somewhat lacking In the majority of those who had had less exposure socially as children. Mind you- this is strictly talking about people's outward personalities and not academic excellence since both kinds were able to achieve the required level of excellence.
And most importantly the presence and the making of a network of people in their lives that greatly helps careers in every capacity later on. Strictly talking about boys/young men- it was suggested that a low exposure socially hinders this sort of development as we consider most have to step out and work in an environment. Not many have the luxury to make a living staying secluded.
So a lot to take in...I tell myself to analyse and do some constructive criticism of my own ideas and see how we can maximise our children's potential and yet not lose the essence of what Allah has commanded in sha Allah.


Umm Salar :
 In case anyone was wondering where we found this unique set of fathers-- My husband actually has been a professor and taught at mba level for a number of years and had the opportunity of being on interview panels for admissions hence his association. The same men also have their businesses and so also have the opportunity to meet young adults who are interviewed for hiring.
The networking part really interests me and as someone who has been a working woman I have seen how that gives people an edge. Ofcourse there a lot of counter arguments that pop into my brain regarding this. Would love to hear others' perspectives.

Ummibaps:1 daughter, 8 sons / ages 2 to 18 yrs

Masha'Allah much has been said about the various aspects of socialization so I will add just a little

About Friends

- when in a class room,  children feel compelled to make friends with those within it,  their choice of friends is limited

- often the child labeled as a poor academic or not good in sports by teachers is stigmatised,  small children take their cues from adults

- homeschooled children meet children of various ages at various gatherings like parks,  workshops etc ,  they often become friendly with those they like and do not feel compelled to seek companionship with those who they'd rather not...

- for any relationship to develop the relationship needs to be nurtured.  For younger children, parents make an effort to get children who are friends to meet at their homes ,  attended classes together etc. Older children will nurture their relationships  through phone calls,  online chats etc

-most little children will seek out friends amongst older children,  who are physically more mature and more experienced that their age group. They find it exciting to play with them ,  for filling their unconscious desire to learn and be mentored

- homeschooling does not mean living in a box. It entails seeking opportunities and making conscious decisions regarding your child' s up bring and education, this includes Socialization

On learning how to deal with people from diverse backgrounds :

- in order to teach children to deal with people from various walks of life , they need to be given opportunities to deal with them.

For eg monitoring a plumber as he works in your home
Buying vegetables from a stall
Calling an organisation to file a complaint like when a telephone/ Internet  connection is down
Placing an order for home delivery on the phone or ordering food at a restaurant
Serving guests and tending to their needs
Etc

-You will have to coach the child on what to say,  explain the correct tone to use in accordance with their age

-Expect social gaffs/ mistakes to happen but do correct them later and explain what should be done

- have the children observe your interaction with people not just at home but when you go out too like shops/ banks etc

These are skills you do not learn from reading a book,  filling out a worksheet and watching a role play.  They are learned by experiencing them.

 Also,  seek out adults who you want you children to benefit from and invite them to your home. Have your children present in the room as you dine with them and talk. Children find adult discussions intriguing and can learn alot from listening to them .

Remember, as a child our Prophet (SAW) accompanied his grandfather and sat with him under shade of the Kabaa as people sought his grandfather's help.

He (SAW) also mentions an agreement by the elders regarding the welling be of the oppressed,  which he witnessed in his youth.

Children sat and played around the gatherings of the Sahabas too.


S .K. Hs : About this all socialization. our prime concern must always be the company a child has because this frames his personality too. Hadith's also show that a human is known by the company he keeps. For that we can be selective to know what kind of language they use, ideas they hold, their preferences. Can arrange a party at home where you can talk about some moral stories in between games and stuff. Upbringing of neighborhood kids is also crucial. Dialogues with their mothers etc may be depending how much receptive they are
And if the kid has learned some bad stuff from friends and surroundings. It is our duty to detox it. We can not control everyone around nor can we change. We just can try our level best and model the desired behavior that we want our kids to adapt. We can not prevent them from knowing filthy language and dirty things as the exposure is much these days but can gain their confidence and talk out in friendly way. As NAK says be your child's best friend before the society offers him one.


(Note: The above is a copy of a Whatsapp conversation,   partly edited for clarity)