How do homeschoolers prevent their children from becoming bullies? What do you do if you find out your child is bullying younger children?

Question : Bullying - the flip side

How do homeschoolers prevent their children from becoming bullies?  What do you do if you find out your child is bullying younger children?

Note: this may arise in the case of young children learn to socialize.  The assumption is the by teen years the children know the difference between good and bad/ acceptable and not acceptable behavior.

Ummibaps: 

I put this forward because many a parent worries about her child being bullied....few consider that their child might be one

AA: 1 son, 1 daughter
My son 2+ wants everything my daughter 3+ is playing with and if she doesn't give, there is a fight pulling hairs and biting between them. So to end the fight I just tell my daughter to give it to him.
Please advise on how to discipline my boy and not to make my daughter surrender all the time.

MN:

Same problem but the age is 1.6.......she even try to bite me :(......wannnttt everythngggg

SAA: 3 sons, 2 daughters/ ages 16 to 7

Question : Bullying - the flip side

How to homeschoolers prevent their children from becoming bullies?  What do you do if you find out your child is bullying younger children?

In my home it sometimes develop in a very droll way
My youngest who is the apple of my husband and the elder three kids eyes sometimes bully my second last one and he is too gentleman to strike back
Had to balance it out
Talk and discipline the one stepping out of bound
Recently the youngest son was teaching eldest the Rubik and basking in glow and dishing out smart mouth bullying i had to put a stop to that too
  

SMA: 

I love SAA's perspectives. She's like a psychologist cum educator. Barakallah feeki. And so generous with her advise, sparing a lot of time to explain well Alhamdulillah

Ummibaps: 8 sons, 1 daughter / 2yrs to 18yrs Alhumdulillah

What if your child is the bully?

Not many parents care to consider the flip side, but a child overly teasing a sibling, often mocking or pinching cousins ,  jeering maids is also bullying.....

-Again,  don't panic if you come to gear your child may be bullying someone

- gather further info from those who saw the incident

- speak to you child to find out the cause

- be aware that if there really isn't a cause then small children are still learning to socialize and need to be guided

- make your child apologise to those he may hurt ....Depending on his age and maturity. ...a child who finds it embarrassing to apologise will avoid repeating such actions

There is little point in making a very young child apologise. ...If too small to understand what it means and implies then "Sorry" is a formality to get away with bad behaviour. ..I hit him,  I said sorry,  I can hit him again and say sorry then too....

Encourage your child to say good and be nice to those he previously hurt...encourage him to see the other side of people and make excuses for them

REMEMBER : if your child bullies someone it does not reflect your behaviour,  as long as you don't become defensive about it ,  acknowledge to yourself you have a situation to deal with, and work towards fixing the problem

(Note: The above is a copy of a Whatsapp conversation,   partly edited for clarity)

How do homeschooling children socially cope with bullying issues,as they grow?

Question : Bullying

How do homeschooling  children socially cope with bullying issues, as they grow?
 

Salma: 

This is something I wonder. Ideally, homeschooling children would be provided a caring, nurturing environment by their parents, as their friends and other sources of interaction would be screened better than the average regularly school going kid. This must be good for their personality as well as character development, as they would learn to be polite and courteous etc.
However, what when they go into university or work life, where there is all kinds if competitiveness, backstabbing etc? How do well-meaning homeschooling parent prepare their kids?

 

SZ: 1 girl, 1 boy/Ages 6 and 3.5.

I guess by the age the child starts university, he's mature enough to handle it. Yes, he may have problems at first, but I think, with some guidance, he'd learn to deal with bullies much faster than a little child.

SF:

Homeschool children don't have to go through the trauma of being bullied at an age where they cannot understand that it is not their fault rather the person doing it is the one afflicted by some sort of complex. That said I wonder weather homeschool children turn out to be more sensitive. And even though I can give a million reasons for why being sensitive is a good thing I still feel having a thick skin helps in Pakistani Society

 

MG: 2 daughters, 1 son

Alhamdulillah good thing about Pakistan is that children do have a lot of interaction with family (cousins) , sibling also bully each other, social interaction  during extra curricular activities such as sports, art class etc all help in developing their personality .. and help them deal with bullying etc

 

SNM:

Very true! We should teach children morals before everything else! Things like gardening and keeping a pet are amazing for sensitive children as well as for the confident ones
 

SAA: 3 sons, 2 daughters/ ages 16 to 7

Bullying is a social curse
It effects those who are isolated in any manner
They might be kids who are shy or smart or have more or less then the social majority
Anyone can be a target for bullying anywhere
The three types of bullying
Physical
Social
Emotional
A child needs to be able to handle all these three

To stop or handle physical bullying
He/she must know how to defend themselves and others so
Martial arts tae kwondo etc are must
I felt I could get my kids in training only after they started homeschooling
It increased their psychometric sphere and their self esteem and confidence

Social bullying is socially orchestrating or public insulting or ridiculing someone
It's quite common here in our culture
The best way of handling is Sunnah
And it can only be taught by example and counseling
and taking constant part in social reform and dawah I felt that after starting homeschooling my kids had time and I prioritized it to involve them in my social work

being part of cause or social effort to solve people problems is the strongest self esteem structure and best thing about it is its never falls in arrogance but becomes more and more humane

Emotional bullying
Unfortunately is also a norm here because we are such close knit society and the only way to handle is to be more emotionally mature
That too is taught personally through love care and demonstration

I must confess that before homeschooling it wasn't even in my priority list
 

SF:🏻Can you elaborate how you taught emotional bulling?

SAA: 

Emotional maturity comes first by being
More
Emotionally intelligent
It's achieved in three steps
1.Emotional awareness, including the ability to identify your own emotions and those of others being aware what I am feeling and then why I am feeling that way
So many times we are angry at someone because we are hurt by them recognizing that and then communicating it with out causing damage to relationships
2. The ability to harness emotions and apply them to tasks like thinking and problems solving this is a very important part of children development how fear of failure or regret mostly drive us to work hard understanding that
Or how instead of bribing them  we teach
achievement is for Allah and your own gratification this changes the whole paradigm of how a child view learning
Recently my son was nonplussed by a question of his cousin
how do you want to work all the time
And my son  was
Because it's fun
And his cousin was asking
How is it fun to work

When he asked me I smiled and said figure it out

3. The ability to manage emotions, including the ability to regulate your own emotions, and the ability to cheer up or calm down another person.
This the third level of ei
And makes your child central to the world he exist in
It's make him responsible and dependable
Sympathetic and empathetic

Wayyaki
Mon ami
One thing I wish to share
When I was at my first meet the Homeschooler meet Mrs. AH said something that truly inspired me
She said that we try to teach our kids survival of fittest and being street smart but that is not the structure of kindness Islam gives
And I realized it was absolutely true we have made our society into a shark tank and
Why can't our kids change that paradigm

 

Dr. MM:

Yes agreed..persistence and teaching kids patience is the key to success..and never giving up.
 

SNM: 

I think children need to know that intelligence and hard work go together. If they are intelligent but not hardworking they won't be very successful. If they're average but hardworking they can still go for success and if they're intelligent as well as hardworking then there is nothing to stop them!
 

 SAA:  3 sons, 2 daughters/ ages 16 to 7

This is not a difficult thing to manage
The elders should be taught they are responsible but not by depriving them
If you ask the elder to act mature then you must also protect her childhood
The younger must also learn that he or she are building relationships
If they fight on something put it away
Ask them are they willing to share then give it
The elder is in critical stage of her growth be careful of how you treat her
Very important we indulge mostly cause we don't have time or are too exhausted to deal with their tantrum

When the elder is playing something or is on a learning spree place her in an area she won't be disturbed
If the little one finds out ask the elder to give two times then on the third ask the younger to be patient baji is not done
 Ask the elder to do little things of care for the younger and ask the younger to serve her elders
As giving water or cleaning hands or
Give them a treat and then ask to exchange
Or once ask the elder to distribute the treats and next ask the younger
Cuddle them together and laugh and talk with them
  

Ummibaps: 8 sons, 1 daughter / 2yrs to 18yrs Alhumdulillah

Bullying

Being Bullied:
Bullying is an experience a child may have at any age ,  even adulthood,  regardless of whether they go to school or not. A few things to keep in mind regarding this:

- don't panic if your child complains of being bullied...try to draw out more info regarding the incident from your child

- no matter how outraged you feel,  don't rant in front of your child

- try to get an idea of the scenario of the incident from your child. ..was the other child upset in the class / accidentally hurt by someone / something your child may have inadvertently done that may have led to a misunderstanding? Sometimes an upset child may misunderstand or react to a situation too quickly

- try to verify the info you have from your other children or your children's friends

- considering visiting the playground / workshop etc where you can view how the children are mingling .....Often incidents happen after class while waiting for rides home,  and no adult is supervising

-once you are sure that it is a case of bullying inform a teacher or supervisor to keep a vigil on the situation

- where the bullying takes form of violence,  don't wait...Visit the place it takes place and discuss the situation with the teacher  etc

This is of course in the case where the bully is another child.....The situation is very different when the bully is an adult
  Do question your child carefully...like asking
what happened before he pushed you?
did you say something first?
Did you bump him first?
Etc

Does this happen everyday?

 

SAA: Jazzakallah for the answer
I have learned that children facing social orchestrating are unaware that they are being bullied they just feel baffled and demean in their selves unable to share their hurt what should we do to help them

 

Ummibaps: SAA.....It varies from situation to situation. ...like I mentioned earlier, things are different when the bully is an adult....

The action to take depends on the situation. ..

If the bully is a teacher at school,   there is little one can do if it's only your child who is being emotionally bullied. ..you can encourage your child to be patient. ....help him strengthen his self esteem....point out and encourage his other accomplishments....

Often complaining to the school about a rude teacher makes things worse for the child in the classroom

In situations where your child does have a choice to quit a workshop and join some other,   he can do so

Where bullying is happening by those within your sphere of influence,   you can bring it to the attention of those involved  ....older siblings sometimes don't realise how their teasing or dominating behaviour may be affecting their siblings,  a person may not realise he is bullying until it's brought to his attention

 SAA: So right
It's incredibly difficult experience
There is a lot of diplomacy and cunning required to come out of this unscathed
Those very strong in their self
And comfortable in their own company
reader or singular activities doers

Do encourage an extrovert child to have more then two or more circle of friends
Encourage them to find like minded people not just follow a mob
Encourage them to have meaningful interaction with people where ever they go
 

Ummibaps:
 

Sadaf‬: 

If a new child finds it hard to be accepted in a group of kids, will this also be considered bullying ?
 

Ummibaps: Children often find change difficult and sometimes threatening......a group that is established may find a newcomer difficult to accept....because it's a change. ...

So it depends on the children and situation....

As strange as it sounds...a new boy can get pushed around for a while  by another boy....and then suddenly their friends! It's weird.

On the other hand,  a boy may not be accepted by a group because of the cues they receive from an adult /teacher....older boys often end up having to fend fir themselves to be accepted....

It's even more complicated with girls!

So it can becoming bullying...there's really no straightforward answer...

In my opinion. ...I look forward to hear more from other experienced moms insha'Allah
 

Farheeda : Indeed

 

SAA: 

It is considered plain inhospitable
Which is not bullying
but
also not an Islamic ethics
Muslims were known cause of their  hospitality
The reason it was thought in Islam was
Close knit social system or the small group of children do not allow newcomers in
In ancient times there were initiation ceremony to induct new members even in Islam their is shahadat or sometimes bait and then they were part of brotherhood
In schools there is nothing such as that
But I've heard in some successful structure they do have houses and the child must prove by choice which he belongs to and they accept him

 (Note: The above is a copy of a Whatsapp conversation,   partly edited for clarity)

How does someone homeschool her children if she is not proficient in English?

Question :  Language a Barrier

How does someone homeschool her children if she is not proficient in English?
 

SF: 

I believe she should learn with her kids. Its never too late to learn.
 

Dr. MM: 

Yes I agree with that too...learn with kids
 

Iraj:

 Find good English teacher.
 

Bushra‬:

Read with your kids
Do word games
 

Ummibaps: 8 sons, 1 daughter / 18yrs to 2yrs

You can teach and guide and help your child seek knowledge in any language that is your family's mother tongue..math, science, logic.....The point is to communicate and educate. ....

English is needed to study and prepare for O levels or Matriculation examinations etc...so for academic preparation the family will need to seek tutors. If the family can learn the language together even better. For this exposure to the language is needed in the form of audio books, videos....different forms of media. ...

As for knowledge of the world,  deen, tarbeeyah etc a mother who doesn't speak English can still teach her child. ...a French speaking doctor, a German speaking engineer,  a Philippine nurse,  an Urdu speaking pilot are not considered uneducated.

The more languages a child can communicate,  the better...

A mother can prepare her child for life in the world in any language she can communicate with her child.
 

Sumera : 

Ummibaps, can you elaborate on your point? This somehow concerns me so I wanna analyse.

 

Ummibaps: 

Sister Sumera,

Things like how does gravity work, what causes rain,  addition , subtraction, good manners, how to garden,  construct things, paint ..etc all this is not dependent on the English language. Parents who have knowledge can teach their children what they know and help them find information on what they don't know.

Since the examination and college education is in English here,  the child needs to know the language to study and prepare for exams etc....and tutors, videos etc can help with that...but knowledge can be received in any language. ...

Even those parents who have  grown up speaking English can not teach everything....so they need to get help....and if the children decide to study in an Arab country,  or France or Germany,  Korea  for example. ....English with be little help ...They will need to learn the language. ...

They will still have knowledge but in another language. ....

And to learn any language means lots of exposure to it....

Um....I hope I'm making sense. ...do let me know if I'm not
 

Sarah :

 This brings me to a slightly different question which I am struggling with. I can't teach my children their school stuff without losing my cool.  They are four and three and have tons of oral and written homework and exams and all in Arabic.  I am at my wits end every time I sit with them and my constant threat for them to obey me is to either work with me or go to a tuition. I don't know the language and I also can't deal too well with pressure and the whole inappropriate age writing pressure.  Will I be able to homeschool?  The first thing my husband and family will say is that you can't make them do homework leave alone homeschool.  I don't blame them for thinking  that way

 

Dr. MM: 

Yes you are. Its double the hard work for parents as they have to learn first to teach their young ones...parenting is a tough task. But rewarding when you see them swim through.

 

SF: 

When I was home schooling I realized that there is a great alleviation of pressure that is pressure from school my son would return from my dresser and in the afternoon when I produced his homework books announcing it was time to do homework boy how his mood would change

 

Dr. MM: 

Boys are so volatile

Its very tough to make them sit at one place
 

SF:

Where is when he was at home sitting down for an hour or two wasn't stressful for him at all NFL as far as learning is concerned he gained a lot
 

SF:

I also feel that the most stressful time for a child to be in school is at the age of 4. As this is the time when the child is being taught how to right. Which means writing the letter A 10 x and sometimes even more than 10 times in one sitting which drives most children nuts especially boys
 

Dr. MM: 

Yeah agreed they wont repeat writing same words again and again
 

SF:

Sarah my dear . start homeschool . which school is giving such nonsense h.w. to little kids. Please read John Holt how children learn. Read home works magazines with your family. Take them to HS families. Let them meet their children.I  have been a teacher for many years and when the time came for me to teach my child I was clueless. Why? Because I was teaching him what school wanted me to teach him. Now its my third week homeschooling and we are going fine. No hw. Means we read and write what we want. He has already asked me to teach him concepts schools teach at grade 4 ( he's 7 years ) and I explained him.and  I play based activities till age 7. Research shows rote learning, and paper pencil work before 7 damages critical thinking capacity of brain.
 

Sarah : 

I know.  I totally believe the letting children learn at their own pace thing and all this pressured learning makes me want to pull my hair out. 

So cool you can actually do it.  May Allah make it amazing and super easy for you
 

EH: 

Sara that's the whole thing that people don't understand... Children are already sick and tired by the time they get home then later in the day we ask them to sit and do HW which annoys and frustrates them even more which in turn annoys and frustrates us!
It's not that they don't want to listen to us... It's just that they're sick of those alphabets....
On the other hand when we HS we only make them sit (at least at that age) for max 1/2 an hour! That too only on days they are completely willing and they're good to go... HW/CW all done

 

(Note: The above is a copy of a Whatsapp conversation,   partly edited for clarity)

Is homeschooling cheaper than sending ones child to school?

Question :  Expense

Is homeschooling cheaper than sending ones child to school?
 

Mrs AH: 2 sons age7and 15

Cost of homeschooling your kids,just like the cost of everything else, depends on  what you are willing to invest in it,what outcome do you hope to achieve with it etc.

Out family keeps the cost of homeschooling very low,we don't really have much choice about it budget is very tight. But others may have the possibility too spend more and implicitly get their kids involved in more extra curricular activities and use a wider range of resources.

Bottom line is there is no one mainstream answer to this question and the point is to get the best value for the money you spend,be it a lot or a little.

 

MN: 

I think it depends....nothing is fixed in homeschooling..sometimes it exceeds from estimation and sometimes not....it depend upon your strategies..

 

SW: It can vary from family to family but one positive aspect is you are never bound... If, for any reason you can't afford something, you are free to postpone, on the other hand, you have to pay school fee on time, no matter what..
 

Umm Raeyan (lives in the Middle East) : Daughter 9 yrs old, Son 3 yrs old

As mentioned earlier similar to ones life style cost of homeschooling varies for every family; for us it is expensive than the _small schools_ definitely cheaper than the _renowned ones_.

I follow the envelope system for the house expenses and every month keep aside a particular amount for homeschooling. Sometimes I spend just a small fraction of the allotted amount and save remaining for later. This way if we come across some interesting co-curricular activity, science / craft kit or book which would cost an arm and a leg I don't have to think twice.
I try to look for free online resources and stock on stationery etc. during back school sales.

 

EH: 

I've started homeschooling since this year and I keep 1/3 the amount that we were paying to the school aside every month... So far so good... It's all being saved for future activities or things we'll need to buy.

 

SN:

Spending on home schooling depends on the style of homeschooling. I am spending way more now then I was paying to school and tutions combined when my daughter was going to school. But now I am getting the value for money.
That is, I am happy, my child is most happy, her health has improved a lot, we both are stress free, she is getting one to one attention and learning at her pace. Not to mention the cost of suffering, falling sick every month, doctor's visits, medicines and tests.
I am saving on this now.

 

Ummibaps:

Exactly ..value for money is the point....you spend both either way....and how much is your decision to make....It can be more expensive but...

-You may spend less at school for subjects your child doesn't want to take

- spend more on a single tutor who is the best in his field but doesn't teach at your child's old school

- spend less on textbooks that do not get used completely in the classroom
- spend more on books you feel your children can benefit from and use for years

- spend less on extra curricular activities which are part of the school package

-spend more on extra curricular activities and workshops which take longer hours and your child received more focused help and attention on his work..

Value For Money... ..education isn't cheap

 

Sb: 

Perfectly summarized.

Pre school and nursery school are definitely cheaper done at home rather then school. You don't need much to teach the little ones, and they learn more from 'on-site' training 

I think little spend more time out of school because if seasonal illnesses rather than in school.
It's a shame the local school system makes it harder for little ones to join school after they are less vulnerable to illnesses.

  (Note: The above is a copy of a Whatsapp conversation,   partly edited for clarity)

How important is Social media to Homeschooling children?

 Question :  Social Media

How important is Social media to Homeschooling children?
(Twitter, Facebook, instagram. ..etc )

 
 Iraj : 

Depends on the age of children.I think that children under 14 should not be allowed to use all these apps.After 14 they can use their parents cell under careful watch
 

Samar :

How to execute it. Just today I attended my 5 yrs old 's parent teacher meeting and his teacher was saying though he's very smart he is not focused and that is due to his playing games on these devices.

Samar : I haven't come across Facebook and social media app issues yet as both my sons are under 10 but I fear what will happen once they get awareness of these apps
 

Mrs  AH:  2 sons,aged 7 and 15

I would like to first point out that ,although they can both lead to addictive patterns,games and social media have different basic implications.As mentioned above, games(especially for younger kids) have the potential to slow down mental processes like focus,memory,reality check etc. Individuals gradually become disconnected from the real world surrounding them.Yes,this also applies to the so called educational/skill developing games.

Social media,on the other hand, becomes a preoccupation that demands more and more of one's time,attention and contribution. All is fine if done for a specific productive  purpose but more often than not this is not the case.If you don't have a specific goal in mind to achieve with this platform and the sole purpose is to just hang out, you might as well just sit on the roadside and sip tea and gossip all day...you'll be as efficient as that.

Even for those who start out with a specific purpose and have productive friends online,the danger of subconscious suggestions is still there and it leads many a time to wasted time (you know how kids always want to click on the flashy ads)

I must say,though,that it also depends very much on what type of personality you have, how susceptible you are to suggestions etc but whatever the personality, a young individual would not have enough control over it to stop when the situation calls for it.

 

MN: 

My son use to do origami and sometimes do science experiments by watching videos on Youtube....is that right?

 

SAA: 3 sons, 2 daughters/ ages 16 to 7

The social media is an important profile resource about you

The connection you have
And the connection you make following your interest give you the company of like minded people

Exposure to a lot of bad things but also
Immense variety of very good initiative

Learning to navigate the internet seas
And learning to engage social interest in your cause can help their future
Cause eventually all Business' will go online
Either he will have to do it for his own or be hired to do it for some one

But Facebook is an immense waste of time
I don't see the point of scrolling down to see what everyone else is doing liking sharing

I think a different user format maybe 
In which maybe forums are objective based
Then there is Snapchat or Messenger or Whatsapp all creative ways of communicating but again waste a lot of time

Then Twitter Instagram
For me those are for a few bear leaders to lead rest of masses to follow mindlessly

In all that what do you do for your kid
That's my question please
It's like this
Do we throw them in the sea so they somehow learn to swim
Cause it's like
Every other learning they must do
It should be intrinsic

Though I am nibbling a thought
As Ummibaps said our kids need us
Boys there fathers guidance and girls there mothers
Then why let them surf this social encounter without our shelter and guidance
Shall we form a family friend network on the internet and social media where we shepherd all the community kids

 

Eng. Shumaela: 

SAA creating a network of friend and family will not save the kids from the harms that they will get from Internet.

Internet is too open and everything is a few clicks away. Plus games and social media show you content that they want to show you. So even in private network your kids will looking at offensive material that would not like them to see.
Keeping kids away from Internet is also not good. Instead teaching them how to swim in this ocean can be a better idea.

Social media doesn't contribute in learning,  similarly games and even educational games are not really beneficial. But yes there are tons of good things and material that is useful.

I think as parent we should teach or kids what to do on Internet and what not. Social media should be a big no no. It is useless not only for kids but also for elders. We waste hundreds of hours here and they gain money. So you are giving them time and money both.

 

Sb : 2 sons and 1 daughter

Depending on their age and level of maturity, our children need to learn to navigate the internet the same way we teach them to navigate roads.

Trying to shield them forever is foolish.
Infact, shielding them too long will put them at a disadvantage. The way lessons are taught,  business conducted and contacts made has changed dramatically in the last 10 years.
 

SAA: Have you heard the saying
Teach children and the forget
Engage them and they learn
 

Ummibaps: 

As salaam Alaikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuhu

Sisters....The question pertains to Social Media in particular. ....things like Facebook ,  Twitter,  Snapchat

Internet usage is a broader topic. ...

Just a reminder so as to decrease confusion for mothers with children who are too small for social media

Please focus your answers on the above only

Yes. ..They can be discussed as separate topics
 

Sarah : 

 At what age do you guys recommend teaching the children how to use the computer.
 

Areeba :

 As homeschooled kids we were allowed on Facebook but for a set time. We didn't have access to it on our phones those days & the computer in the lounge where everyone could see the screen. My mom would sometimes would also read our posts and messages.

I think teaching kids "Balance" is the key.
During exam days & other important events we always had to deactivate Facebook account. It was a deal

 

Farheeda :

 🏻good idea even very good idea
 

Ummibaps: 8 sons, 1 daughter / 2yrs to 18yrs

I find it perturbing that all parents agree that lying is sinful .....yet when it comes to making a Facebook/Google account etc,  they allow their children to lie about their date of birth and ages.....If a child is too young to make an account then the child should not have an account to begin with....

Depending on the the circumstances of the child, older children may want to use a form of social media to build their relationship with their friends...just like a parent should stay tuned with what type of friends their children have...We should make an effort to stay tuned with who are they communicating with and how they use these tools of socialization. ...

(Just like real time socialization,  expect them to make mistakes and help them.learn from them )

Like any form media ; even television or Internet usage, a child may not know how much is too much and so the parents need to monitor and limit usage...( you wouldn't want your child to spend all day for several days with a friend talking in a room nor on the phone)

Keep computers and tablet usage in public parts of the home...so that it can be glanced at by parents easily
As the children mature into adulthood things will change....but parents  can continue talking and guiding their children. .....reminding them that if they post something on social media...its not really "private".....as soon as you put something out there ,  you've made it public...

My personal opinion
 

SAAA: 

Jazzak Allah for the all round guidelines
How do you stay tuned with your child's social media network?

For me if my child's friends are liking or sharing useless inappropriate matter is serious problem
I take him to account on that
Cause the friends we keep reflect our interests and intellect
Sometimes I think I'm smothering him with responsibility he cannot very much manage

But other times when he is able to convince his playmates or friends to be careful and socially responsible in their sharing
I think it might be my sons first learning regarding his own social and Islamic responsiblity in dawa toward Haq

Either way it's a very difficult path and do cause much friction between us
Where he refuses to take responsibility of his friends action
And sometimes  

He accepts that the initiative of correction
Help in earning respect of his peers
 

Ummibaps: 

Yup....its a hands on learning experience and can be different for individual children. ...whereas one may like all the rubbish his friends " like" , another may only focus on sports related stuff.....One may accept everyone as a"  friend " another may only invite his personal friends....

My husband and I got back in Facebook to keep an eye on our children's pages....Our sons have also "friend"ed some of my husband's friends,  who also visit our children's pages periodically. ...

I also occasionally "raid" their Facebook page. ..where I sit with them and view the page and their contacts list...

Not a perfect way to handle things but it's how things are moving along for the moment....
  

SAA:

Ditto
It's
So droll
Me ready to be scandalized and him squirming from apprehension

And more now then before when he gets off without any of his friends offending my sensibilities
He is whooping with delight

Also on very important note
Freedom/independence and privacy is earned by achieving maturity
Which is sense of responsibility
They will have their right of privacy and freedom when they are responsible enough
 

Sb: 

Jazakallah for this honest insight on how you are monitoring your children.

My eldest is still not old enough for social media, nor does he feel the need for it.

He does want to freely talk/chat to his Mamu, so let i him use my hangouts account. That way I can also monitor his internet behavior.
 

QUA‬: 

To Love & Protect a Child in a Digital World | TODAY.com
http://community.today.com/parentingteam/post/to-love-protect-a-child-in-a-digital-world

  (Note: The above is a copy of a Whatsapp conversation,   partly edited for clarity)

What if your child doesn't agree with you on home schooling?

Question : Disgruntled Child

What if your child doesn't agree with you on home schooling?

 

Mrs AH:

In my experience,it's a matter of time and adjustment which is why it's so important to give yourself and your child some slack when you first start out and ease into the whole process naturally,always re-evaluate what works and what doesn't,g getting your child's feedback and adjusting stuff accordingly.

If the child resists from the get-go it's just a sign of stubborn attachment to what he/she knows and it's a unique opportunity to asses what exactly is/has been going on in your child's life and deal with his attachments accordingly(so.e of them you'll have to compromise on and some he/she may have to learn to compromise on). After all,one if the benefits of homeschooling is to prepare your child for REAL LIFE and real life rarely gives you what you want it to and we need to learn to deal with it in as healthy way as possible.
 

 SAA: 3 sons, 2 daughters/ ages 16 to 7

Is the question is
The child disagree to the homeschooling style or child disagree to homeschooling
Cause which child would
 

Ummibaps:

Nope not about the style....definitely about children who don't want to leave school and those who want to go to school like their friends
 

SAA: 

Hmm

I have children who is past homeschooling age in college
Accuse me of not homeschooling him
He says his love of learning is really suffered
 

Umm Raeyan: Daughter 9 yrsSon 3 yrs

I will never force my children to be homeschooled; it should be a mutual decision. So far my daughter agrees with the idea but if at any point in life she asks me to be admitted in school I'll definitely consider it. Indeed the ultimate goal is to prepare our children for the afterlife however I don't want to ruin / damage my relationship with them in this life.
When making a decision whether it is buying clothes or selecting a book at the library I remind her to evaluate if it is religiously or morally wrong if not then there is no harm in trying it out. It is just adds up to the experiences of this life.
Remember the supplication in Surah Baqara Allah has taught us to ask for good for both the worlds.

Allah knows best, may He guide is.
 

Ummibaps: 8 sons, 1 daughter/ ages 2 to 18 years

When I first put my children in school ,  they were too young to make life decisions. .....nor experienced enough to evaluate where to study....We; the parents, researched , evaluated ,  did Istikara and sent them to school......

When we learned about homeschooling as an option of education. ...We researched, evaluated and did Istikara,  then withdrew them from school.....They did not have a choice in the matter....They were making decisions according to their maturity. ..but we did not feel that a fifth grader was mature enough to decide on something this crucial. ....

Now that they are more mature. ...They've  researched , evaluated, consulted us and done Istikara. ...and made decisions regarding which subjects they want to study and which teachers will tutor them ......

No....not all my children wanted to homeschool. ...and there have been some wanting to go to school  ( just like some small school going children whine that they don't want to go to school on the day they have a test)... so far we have watched them....evaluated them...made du'a for guidance. ...and so we homeschool them

 

Amina: 

Jazakillahu khayr sister Ummibaps for such a great response.
I have been so worried about it. My daughter is not yet three but she's insisting me since months to send her to school. Maybe because she see her cousins going there? She's already aware of the terms like tutions, homework, teacher etc and her only exposure to school is her cousins at home.

I'm sure she won't be happy if she has to go to school regularly because I know her and the school system as well. I think I can delay it easily for an year until I start getting serious pressure from inlaws.

 

SAA: 

You know part of building self esteem is
confidence in doing their own things
I have an abstract theory
If the parents are ordinary and mundane the kids wants to be intellectual and if the parents are intellectual the kids as response of some kind wish to fit in
Or not stand out

It could be introvert extrovert thing too
Extroverts strive to fit in

It's not right or wrong it's just a personality

What do you do then
You teach your child to look beyond conventions and find the true value in everything
Going to school is for receiving education
And
Show her how she is receiving hers
Also show her the advantages she is receiving in such personalized structure 
Since she is young and haven't attended school
She is fantasizing school
In that case a small dose of reality will give the rude awakening
 

Amina : 

Yes exactly SAA. She's fantasizing and for once I thought to just let her go for a few days with her cousin which I'm sure will terrify her for the rest of her life. Schools here mostly are very very outdated and especially the one my family's kids go to. I'm sure my daughter can't even survive a day there. What with so much rules and strictness and treating three year olds as full grown up adults.

 (Note: The above is a copy of a Whatsapp conversation,   partly edited for clarity)

From around what age do you start preparing your child for the Cambridge examination? How do you know he is ready?

Question : CIE Examination

From around what age do you start preparing your child for the Cambridge examination?
How do you know he is ready?
 

Ummibaps: 8 sons , 1 daughter,  ages 18 to 2yrs

Homeschoolers can give their O level and A level  examinations as private candidates.  This includes science subjects. They must register online and will then recieve updates through ail as well as their necessary documents through the mail.

Most O level and A teachers do provide  after school tuition or work at the various tuition centers in the city,   where they prepare both school going and private candidates for the examination.

How to know if your child is ready?

- To begin with he should be able to comprehend ,  thoroughly understand language used by the recommended text books.

- She should be able to easily compose appropriate  answers to the questions of the examination.... If the child has not reached the maturity needed to comprehend the language, you need to wait a bit.
 

Advice from a mother who also teaches o level students at school:

Duration of covering the syllabus very much depends on the student himself. I suggest 4 sciences should be taken together as they compliment each other. .... (  ut others may habe a different experience) I suggest you to take the exams easy as per child's pace n convinence.
 

 Um e Zukruf: 
Questions for mother's whose children are doing O level
Does it get too expensive for having tuitions for all subjects in grade 11?
If the child is doing privately?

 

Mrs AH:  2 sons,aged 7 and 15

Even school going kids attend tuition centres.The tuition centre my son goes to is with Lyceum teachers and all Lyceum students are also there in the evenings so comparatively it's cheaper,since we don't also pay school fees

 

Ummibaps: Tutions are expensive....but like Mrs. AH said it's cheaper than giving both school fees and tution fee ...also

- you can attend classes from a good experienced teacher of your choice  (school children can not choose their school subject teacher)

- you can prepare for  the number of subjects you want to do (  to be examined for)  ...schools have requirements about how many papers a student must give and which combination of papers they can attempt...so some school children give subjects their school does not offer or allow them to give,  as private candidates

 

Umm Raeyan : 

From around what age do you start preparing your child?

Like Ummibaps mentioned the child should be able comprehend and understand the language in recommended text books and compose answers.

From what age do you start analyzing if he is ready?

I'd rather say from which grade level do you start analyzing?
 

Eng. Shumaela: 

My child is doing O level privately. Since I am a working mother I have to arrange tuitions for all subjects that I am planning for this year. I found it more expensive as my child's learning style is suitable for only one on one learning. Teachers comes to home and teaches only him. I have to pay handsome fees to the teachers.

School was cheaper but he was not learning at all. My other son goes to school and is doing really good there.

To me is worth spending here. Also you can cut the cost by taking one or more subjects in your hand. I have found that preparing for O levels is relatively easy. The key to success is the topical past papers. I noticed that the teachers teaches him one chapter gives exercises at the end of the chapter and then ask him to do topic from past papers.

 

Ummibaps : 

Download the past papers and glance at the text books yourself...that will give you insight on if your child is ready.....its not age related. ...maturity and comprehension level is more relevant to preparing for the paper...

Parents can gauge their children's maturity themselves...look at what type of books your children read and can understand. ..

as for whether they are prepared for the examination itself. ..you can consult the tutor who is teaching and testing your child for it

 (Note: The above is a copy of a Whatsapp conversation,   partly edited for clarity)

How about pulling a child out of school for a year or two, just to see if homeschooling will work / to homeschool for a while....can that work? How difficult is it to re-admit a child to school later?

Question :  Trial Period

How about pulling a child out of school for a year or two, just to see if homeschooling will work / to homeschool for a while....can that work?
How difficult is it to re-admit a child to school later?

Samar: My son is on a 2 yr break for hifz but we paid annual school fee in advance.he has to appear for terminal and final exams for four main subjects

SN : If one wants to put the child back in the same school and want to take a year break for the sake of homeschooling trial, school might not have a policy for this unless you have other reasons like mentioned above

SAA : Yes
SN is right
Homeschooling is no leap of faith and then waiting for miracle

You start working on your child education a long time before taking them out of schools
Working out their individual styles
Building the environment
And most importantly understanding how you are saving your child's individual gift and creativity

SN : well said SAA

Ummibaps: 

Taking a break from school :

I don't think most schools will accommodate a years leave ....but it is possible to admit your child at an older age into a school. .....After giving an admission test....It also depends on which school your approaching....

But what I'd really like to point out is that homeschooling as a trial won't necessarily tell you much.....If you feel you've got to complete a certain curriculum so that your child can get back to school soon and stay abreast of the rest of the class ,  you may find yourself very stressed and not really allowing your child to learn at his own pace.....which is the real benefit of homeschooling ....

For families who previously were part if the school run,  it may take time to settle and adjust to this new way of life. ..that may take more than a few months...and family life has its ups and downs as we move along...so does homeschooling. ..

In order to benefit from any decision,  you need to have a goal ,  a focus to achieve it. ...that makes it easier to stick to a decision. ...so before homeschooling it's best to be clear why your doing it

A short term trial may not bring results. ...

Areeba: 

When I was being homeschooled, in the beginning years my mother did experiment this trial. Yes she did have to pay an advance fee for few months.

Even after we decided on homeschooling, she once made us sit for year 7 annual examinations at school.

So Alhumdulillah it worked out well for us.

 (Note: The above is a copy of a Whatsapp conversation,   partly edited for clarity)

Can a working mother homeschool her children? How?

Question : Working Mothers
Can a working mother homeschool her children?  How?

Please working moms do provide tips. More than one mother on this forum has requested advise regarding this.

Samar: 

I'm a 9-5 working mother with two sons. am semi home schooling one of them who is on 2 yr break from school for hifz. It is tough but I think once both you and your child gets disciplined, it becomes easier. And in these two months that I have started I've come to the conclusion that a lot of time is wasted in school

My son is 8 and hes a grade 4 student. he is doing hifz at home. qari sb comes in morning and then he does  Quran with dadi (May Allah bless her) during different times of the day. i try to do something new with him from his school curriculum in evening and leave him practise work which he finishes during the day in the time hes not doing Quran

Salwa:
In response to the question: I'm a teacher at Fajr Academy and my son goes goes to the same school. I consider myself semi homeschooling because I return home to continue to look after his needs which his mentors have been providing during the day. The only difference is, we are in our home with blood relatives and he gets to reinforce with them. It gets a little cumbersome at times because of the changing moods and needs of other sibling but he gets to learn to deal with that as well. We do guided reading of books he gets from school as well as the collection at home every day.We play in the evening and go out to meet other families on weekends if possible.

SM: 2 sons and a daughter

My mom homeschooled my brother when she was working full time and he was a teenager. She would assign him work and then check his work when she came home.
 Another homeschooling mom was doing work that she could do around her kids schedules.. she gave tuition when the kids were asleep early morning and so when they woke up she would teach them.
I'm currently working as well but I've found things I can do from home and online.. and I choose timings that won't conflict with the homeschooling timings..I also share what I'm doing with my kids.. so they understand what it is that I'm busy doing.. I share work problems and issues as well which teaches them life lessons.. and ask them for their cooperation and help when needed..
I schedule time to meet with friends.. and time to go out to places so it makes their life more well rounded.. they also attend a 6 hour weekend program so that gives me some time to get work done..\

SN:
 I work from home and have hired a teacher to come and help me in getting her work completed on time. So I am working in the room next to where she is studying. In the evening we have time for ourselves and she goes to her activities like swimming, dance class and book club.
 And once the teacher is there I can go out too if I have a meeting or other engagements

Samar:
I'm curious :A lot of working moms are working from home...what are your professions guys??
I'd love to do the same thing:it looks ideal

SM: I conduct a workshop online and am developing more workshops. Am also training to be a remedial therapist.. plan to start teaching students at home or through Skype after my training is complete insh'Allah.. I also do freelance graphic design work on the side..

Eng. S: 

I am a software developer and worked from home for around 15 years. I used to work mostly few months a year and only part time. But work from home isn't that easy as you may think. I am in a joint family setup and work from home becomes more difficult in this situation.

AA: 

I am a homeschooling mother of 2 children, 2+ & 3+ years. I am away from home 8am to 6pm. My experience with practicing homeschooling is relatively new, as my children are small.
My routine of homeschooling is that I teach my daughter in evening, during the day she is with her maternal grandma, she plays games and puzzles while I am away and in evenings I do reading & writing, activities like finding sight words in newspaper and some days we just play board games together especially when it's a new game she wants me to teach her how to play. There are some mornings when she wakes up before I leave for work, so I try to utilize that time by doing some reading, etc. She is more into physical activities and games, so I don't force her to study but do as much as she wants.
InshaAllah as she gets 7+ then I intend to have a schedule for her homeschooling

MZ: I already have love for most of you ..those who i haven't even met. May Allah grant you His razaa and barakah ameeeen

MA: Indeed, it is incredulous, Annie Ahmed, that you work full day and homeschool your children. May Allah give more Barakah in your time, efforts, health and happiness, Aameen.

Mrs AH: 2 sons,aged 7 and 15
I've also been working from home for the past 2 years now and the work load is increasing, Alhamdulillah but I also find myself with less time to spend on a separate homeschooling schedule.So what usually happens is my kids get involved in my work and help me out whenever possible and during that time I make sure they get some practical, real life understanding of things.My kids are now old enough to do their study  work themselves.my younger son usually stays with me if he needs assistance,even if I'm working.

The bottom line is that we don't really have any structured plan and we kind of go with the flow according to what life throws at us on any given day.

I know this might not be very reassuring but I find the duty of keeping up with a schedule much more stressful.And when I feel we do lag behind on some topics/subjects,it's always time to sit down for a family meeting and discuss things through,highlight the pros and cons and motivate each other for better, more productive work

 (Note: The above is a copy of a Whatsapp conversation,   partly edited for clarity)

Can fathers contribute/ help with homeschooling? How?

Question : Fathers

Can fathers contribute/  help with homeschooling? How?

Note: Every family culture is different,   the answers here are based on personal experiences and suggestions.  They are NOT rules to be strictly followed.

Umm Raeyan - Iraq: Daughter 9 yrs old,Son 3 yrs old

My husband is a graphic designer & our daughter is very much inclined towards arts and craft; every now and then he 'guides' her how to draw or colour. Shares and discusses his designed work or any interesting ads, logos etc. with her.
When our daughter was younger and now with our son, whenever we go for groceries he takes them to the green grocery, sea food and meat section and tells names of different stuff available. There is always something interesting, (octopus, live salmon, crabs, organ meat, dragon fruit etc.) children really look forward to it.
He takes us to parks, library etc. which I believe is his involvement in homeschooling as well.

SAA: 3 sons, 2 daughters/ 16years to 7 years

Since we are asked to share our own experience
To me homeschooling is an extension with slight variation of parenting
Parenting has to do with care and tarbyah and homeschooling Has to do with their knowledge and intellect and skills
Like a noble stag with his antlers note that the antlers is homeschooling
In my experience AA (the father) played four crucial roles in homeschooling
Environment building
Value of learning
Evaluation(stress building)
And last but not least
Ami leashing(stress release)

His contribution to environment
⭐Buying expensive maker kits
⭐Allowing me to buy loads of books
⭐Discussing complex concepts instead of people or politics
⭐Unwavering enthusiasm for technologies and ideas
⭐Taking notes and recording 
⭐Insisted kids learn coding and languages
⭐bought courses for them
And
⭐Very solid ethical code of right and wrong

His contribution to increase value of learning
⭐His constant learning attitude and appreciation and support for kids learning accomplishments increased the kids enthusiasm 
⭐He insisted for kids to show in some solid form what they have learned notes mind map presentations etc
⭐And record and revise their learning to reinforce it

His contribution in evaluation
He would evaluate the child learning by his behaviour and approach
He would keep pushing innovations on me
He would keep pointing at wastage weather of time or effort
He would load a mountain of expectation on me
he would expect all the investments constructively and constantly in use

And he would reinstate my confidence before I turned into a monster of stress

And help  me to leash my anger and explosions

Ummibaps: 8 sons, 1 daughter/ages 2 to 18

Question : Fathers

Moral support and making financial decisions in regard to homeschooling and esp family life is a vital role that fathers' play in a homeschooling family lifestyle.

In our case  he also presents a world view through discussions at dinner time.
Sensitive issues regarding growing up and discipline etc ( esp for our boys ) and councils them.

He assigns and corrects the daily  paragraph writing of some of two of the children and listens to their oral work.

He helps oversee and correct workbook work when he has time to spare

Calls things to order when the children's night chores seem to be turning into chaos

He has the children ( by turn) accompany him to seminars and trips where they can see real life in action and benefit from the experience as well.

Dr. MRK: mother of 3
The above question is already been well explained masha'Allah..
Just a few lines to add.....in our case the actual sitting down and learning things is solely done by me but the support in providing ideas, motivation, material, opportunities, is all done by the father...without his support homeschooling is very difficult...
my husband sees all the physical activity aspects of our kids..and he always suppport me whatever i plan to do..no matter how big it is..Alhamdolillah....basiclly father should be the supporter of the ideas

 (Note: The above is a copy of a Whatsapp conversation,   partly edited for clarity)

How do you ensure that your child is confident and he can adjust in a new crowd?

Question : Social Skills

-How do you ensure that your child is confident and he can adjust in a new crowd?

-I have only one daughter who gets intimidated by other children easily. How can I build her confidence and social skills among her age group while homeschooling?

Note: the questions do not ask when do homeschoolers socialise ,  nor the benefits or disadvantages of  socialization .

 Mrs AH: 

what age child are we talking about?

Ummibaps: 

Since confidence develops gradually,  I'm assuming the  sisters who posted the questions were speaking of small children developing confidence. I request the sisters who asked this question to elaborate on it,  in case I have misunderstood the question.

Umm Raeyan: 

 It would be appreciated if the question is addressed in general rather than being focused on a particular age group.

Mrs AH: 

The age is relevant as to my own experience.Since none of us are entitled to speak to any more than what we've experienced and the conclusions we drew from those experiences.As such ,I don't feel we can generalize to the extent that it may apply to all ages,genders,backgrounds etc.

Ummibaps: Yes Mrs. AH.  The sisters here seek guidance and tips based on experience. So we expect to learn from your experience.

Jazakillah khayr for the reminder

Uroosa: 

The recent question was asked by me. My daughter who gets intimidated by other kids easily will be 6 in Oct. She is an introvert and loves homeschooling. My concern is she will not have close friends if her own age if I keep homeschooling her.

SAA: 3 sons, 2 daughters/ 16years to 7 years

 She is introvert
She doesn't need friends
Cause she takes energy from inside
But as she grows and finds people of similar tastes she will have great friends

Uroosa: 

Yeah.. I guess I worry because I am an extrovert and feel, having no siblings, she will be lonely when older and not dependent on us, the parents

Mrs.AH: 2 sons,7 and 15

I agree with SAA on the introvert point and will elaborate on it in my answer if the question,insha'Allah.
 As far as Sumatra's son goes.I feel the need to share that I have gone through a very similar phase with my son due to which I ended up delaying his schooling. My son,at the age of 3.5 was very attached to me and would feel uneasy in my environment (even fun ones) without me.I tried to help him by registering him in a socializing club but no luck.I had been really concerned with the fact that he might end up being a mommy's boy because everyone kept giving me hints of this fact but I ultimately realized the sheer cruelty  we expose our kids to.They have so little time to be kids,so little time to enjoy simple pleasures like connecting with your parents and making sense of the world with the guidance of your mom,whom you KNOW  has your back at all times."Who are these so called lively strangers and what do they want one to do with them?"is probably one of the many questions our kids will ask themselves while we so well intended-ly try to push them away.

I know it sounds idealistic but I stand firm by my opinion that even in a world where school going is compulsory,no child should be compelled to leave their home/parents before the he of 7
The problem is not with them, it's with us and  the solution ,as well intended as it may be,cannot be effective without taking this into consideration.

 SAA: Excellent answer jazakAllah
Introverts are never lonely cause they have a whole intricate world in them

SAA:
How do you ensure that your child is confident and he can adjust in a new crowd?

-I have only one daughter who gets intimidated by other children easily. How can I build her confidence and social skills among her age group while homeschooling?

Points to ponder insha'Allah we can make our own answers
Loud and bossy is not confidence
It's born in kids with bad parenting and fake love
It breeds bullies
Being Outspoken may also means less sympathy compassion and empathy
Being effective means not dominating the discussion but effecting the outcomes produced by it
Real confidence comes with awareness to self
Awareness to your connection with Allah
‎خدی کا سر نہاں لا الاہ اللا لاہ
In perpetual reach and struggle towards self improvement
It's not necessary to contribute in all discussion but it's essential to speak up against evil 
All values are taught by actions
Secure and happy in what you are and allowing others to make their own choices is the first step of healthy relationship
meaning confidence In self stops others from negatively effecting you and compassion and empathy stops you from being over bearing
Read up articles on self actualization it also has great tips

Ummibaps: sons, 1 daughter/ ages 18 to 2

Question : social skills

How do you ensure that your child is confident and he can adjust in a new crowd?

-I have only one daughter who gets intimidated by other children easily. How can I build her confidence and social skills among her age group while homeschooling?

On the practical aspect of this:

- it's not a matter of just being able to speak to your peers but rather most parents would like their child to be able to talk to people of all ages. They worry that a homeschooled child has less exposure to other children and people outside the family circle.

This is a misunderstanding.  As a homeschooling parent you can have your child learn to speak to people and children from diverse walks of life.

Take them to the shops and bazaar with you.  Have them oversee maintainer people in the home. Take them to parks to meet other children and invite those people and children you want your child to learn from ,  into your home.

-In order to help them to learn on how to talk and treat people accordingly,  you must guide them,  even tell them the words to use, initially.

For example ;  what s to say when offering a guest a glass of water or buying fruit from a stand.

Expect them to make mistakes and explain the way things should be handled ....like a review for next time.

( there are social skills that our Prophet SAW has taught us and should be adhered to regardless of cultural norms...do bear them in mind)

- the ability to deal with people will develop gradually over time

- even those who are considered ' confident'  when 5 along to new people are often nervous inside....that's a good thing because it can help a person remain cautious and conscious of his own speech....you wouldn't want your child to be thoughtlessly prattling away as an adult (parrots can talk too you know ...We consider them clever but do you value their advice?)

- if you or those in your family are quiet,  shy or reserved in manner by nature (personality traits) then don't expect your child to be overly outgoing .
This doesn't mean that your child shouldn't learn how to talk to people as needed or appear to be rudely unresponsive,  but don't force him to talk away merrily when it's against his nature. ....Often a person who speaks when spoken to and speaks appropriately is more valued

Sb: 2 boys, 1 girl /Ages 10-5

I was an introverted child. At dinner parties, all the other children would play together. I stayed with mother. All dinner long, my very social mother, or a well meaning aunty, would tell me to go play with the other kids. But I just couldn't. Even though I already knew most of the children.

When I got a little older, I'm guessing around 7, I somehow got confident enough to play with the other children, as long as I had a few close friends there. I was always the quiet one. I was happy to go along with whatever game we were playing. I stayed like this for the longest time.

I'm not sure how I made friends at school. My closest friends were always the confident and outspoken types. I guess they must have 'adopted' me rather than me seeking them out. Somehow we just got along even though I was always the quiet one in group settings.

It was only after I left school that I managed to pluck up the courage to initiate a conversation.  I was surprised that I could actually do this!! It was difficult, and I felt terribly nervous, but when I had to, I knew I could be somewhat social.

After getting married, I really had to work hard to be more social. I had to figure out appropriate conversation with people of all ages and backgrounds.

The real change for me came after my first child was born. Something in me made me realize that I had to speak up for my child's sake. I stopped being so nervous and over thinking conversations in my head. It was a big change for me.

Until recently, I could count on my hands the number of friends I had. They were few but very close. I never felt lonely because my socializing needs were being fulfilled by the wonderful friends I had.

I never saw myself as quiet, but everyone always told me I was. I was never lonely. I've always enjoyed  or  I don't think I'm quiet now, but I'm happy to be quiet.

🏽Sorry for long, self indulgent message.

I just wanted to convey what it's like being a quiet person.
  Based on my experiences, I'd say don't worry about building confidence right now. It will come with time and experience. My son is similar to me and I see that he also does better when he has less pressure him to initiate friendships. For me, the more pressure I felt to 'make friends' the more my mind seemed to blank out.

Emphasis should be made on learning to have meaningful conversations so that children learn how to communicate. That could be with adults or children of similar age. We had a neighbor who was my mum's friend. I loved to go see her myself some afternoons for a chat.

If your child is uncomfortable in large groups, provide small gatherings for them, or better still, a play-date with one person only. That will help more to develop social skills.

Some people are just meant to be quieter, no matter how much confidence building you do. Our religion teaches us that there is benefit in speaking less. But that doesn't mean be less friendly, less caring or less understanding. Accept your child as they are. Focus on nurturing them to be good people rather than popular people.

SM: 2sons, 1 daughter

But I've always talked to u in small groups..

 I had a very similar childhood.. extremely shy and quiet.. somewhere in the past few years I've developed an extroverted side that I never had before.. so now I consider myself an ambivert..

SAA: 

I also do advocate cause for growing kids
Cause like wwf
Or green peace or human rights
This fills them with will to do their bid for change

And reason to speak up

SI: 

U r very right Sb
I think parents worry about introvert kids because they are less accepted in the society...

Salma: 

I met you very briefly Sb, but the initial impression I had had from your messages here was reinforced after seeing you in person - that of an intelligent, articulate person who one could learn from.

As a one-time extrovert myself who's morphed into something of an introvert, your arc as you described it was interesting to read, and I'd say, seems preferable mine:) learning to speak up where it matters, i.e. And I loved what you said about less vocal being different from less friendly/caring, and the need to learn to value goodness over popularity.

Samar: 

I've been reading this discussion on socializing and confidence and I'd like to share and gain some insight from you people into this unique situation I'm facing with my son. He is eight and from the start of current academic year he is at home for hifz for which his school has allowed a 2 year break. we wanted him to keep in touch with his school friends so he attends school once a week. I am noticing that he is not looking forward to this day. He has confided to his aunt that he doesn't like school at all and he doesn't have any friends there. This came as a shock to me because otherwise he's a happy child and mixes with children in cousins, our neighborhood madrassah and our group of friends.Any ideas why he is having trouble with children in school?

Saba: 

Maybe school old friends bullying him for not being regular and he isn't catching up with the course by going once a week.. you should talk with him and ask reasons of not liking school and old friends anymore

Samar:

 It's not a matter of studies since he only has to do 4 subjects which I'm doing with him at home and he's up to his class level in them.

I recall that a couple of times b4 he said to me same things when he was going to regular school but I kinda ignored..well not totally ignored but I told him that you have to make effort to make friends,encouraged him in taking ball with him to school so that his classmates will be attracted to playing with him in break time etc but these confessions to his aunt were very unsettling for me
 I've started feeling now that this is a kinda social problem he's facing

He's a bit different from a lot of boys his age: disciplined, acts according to rules,aversion to music,loves wearing shalwar kameez etc

Mrs. AH:2 sons,7 and 15

Q:How do you ensure that your child is confident and he can adjust in a new crowd?

-I have only one daughter who gets intimidated by other children easily. How can I build her confidence and social skills among her age group while homeschooling?

A:
There is very little I can say that hasn't been said in the previous answers and I completely agree and identify with those answers.

If there is anything to take away from them it's that being an introvert or reserved person is not a "disease",not anything to fear or be concerned about,it is simply a personality type.

As a reserved person myself,I can completely understand where the child comes from and as a grown up living with this personality type I can certainly say there's nothing to fear.Introvert people thrive on meaningful relationships (with self or others) rather than the number of their social circle.

I won't say anything more,cause I really feel I'd only be repeating previous points but I'd like to strongly recommend taking a personality test on https://www.16personalities.com ,it might help get more insight and consequently reduce some anxiety and probably enable you to cater to your child's personality type.
 Btw, I also recommend you moms taking his test and exploring your own personality types.This website is amazingly accurate and helpful

Ummibaps: 

Jazakullah khair to all for answering  the last question. ...

Conclusion :

- DO evaluate what you seek by a confident child

- take the time to guide your child and put your child in situations where he will have to talk to people

- keep in mind that being a quiet and reserved may be a personality trait of your child

- the ability to deal with people develops over time,  and can change with time ,  maturity and the situation

 (Note: The above is a copy of a Whatsapp conversation,   partly edited for clarity)