How do homeschooling children socially cope with bullying issues,as they grow?

Question : Bullying

How do homeschooling  children socially cope with bullying issues, as they grow?
 

Salma: 

This is something I wonder. Ideally, homeschooling children would be provided a caring, nurturing environment by their parents, as their friends and other sources of interaction would be screened better than the average regularly school going kid. This must be good for their personality as well as character development, as they would learn to be polite and courteous etc.
However, what when they go into university or work life, where there is all kinds if competitiveness, backstabbing etc? How do well-meaning homeschooling parent prepare their kids?

 

SZ: 1 girl, 1 boy/Ages 6 and 3.5.

I guess by the age the child starts university, he's mature enough to handle it. Yes, he may have problems at first, but I think, with some guidance, he'd learn to deal with bullies much faster than a little child.

SF:

Homeschool children don't have to go through the trauma of being bullied at an age where they cannot understand that it is not their fault rather the person doing it is the one afflicted by some sort of complex. That said I wonder weather homeschool children turn out to be more sensitive. And even though I can give a million reasons for why being sensitive is a good thing I still feel having a thick skin helps in Pakistani Society

 

MG: 2 daughters, 1 son

Alhamdulillah good thing about Pakistan is that children do have a lot of interaction with family (cousins) , sibling also bully each other, social interaction  during extra curricular activities such as sports, art class etc all help in developing their personality .. and help them deal with bullying etc

 

SNM:

Very true! We should teach children morals before everything else! Things like gardening and keeping a pet are amazing for sensitive children as well as for the confident ones
 

SAA: 3 sons, 2 daughters/ ages 16 to 7

Bullying is a social curse
It effects those who are isolated in any manner
They might be kids who are shy or smart or have more or less then the social majority
Anyone can be a target for bullying anywhere
The three types of bullying
Physical
Social
Emotional
A child needs to be able to handle all these three

To stop or handle physical bullying
He/she must know how to defend themselves and others so
Martial arts tae kwondo etc are must
I felt I could get my kids in training only after they started homeschooling
It increased their psychometric sphere and their self esteem and confidence

Social bullying is socially orchestrating or public insulting or ridiculing someone
It's quite common here in our culture
The best way of handling is Sunnah
And it can only be taught by example and counseling
and taking constant part in social reform and dawah I felt that after starting homeschooling my kids had time and I prioritized it to involve them in my social work

being part of cause or social effort to solve people problems is the strongest self esteem structure and best thing about it is its never falls in arrogance but becomes more and more humane

Emotional bullying
Unfortunately is also a norm here because we are such close knit society and the only way to handle is to be more emotionally mature
That too is taught personally through love care and demonstration

I must confess that before homeschooling it wasn't even in my priority list
 

SF:🏻Can you elaborate how you taught emotional bulling?

SAA: 

Emotional maturity comes first by being
More
Emotionally intelligent
It's achieved in three steps
1.Emotional awareness, including the ability to identify your own emotions and those of others being aware what I am feeling and then why I am feeling that way
So many times we are angry at someone because we are hurt by them recognizing that and then communicating it with out causing damage to relationships
2. The ability to harness emotions and apply them to tasks like thinking and problems solving this is a very important part of children development how fear of failure or regret mostly drive us to work hard understanding that
Or how instead of bribing them  we teach
achievement is for Allah and your own gratification this changes the whole paradigm of how a child view learning
Recently my son was nonplussed by a question of his cousin
how do you want to work all the time
And my son  was
Because it's fun
And his cousin was asking
How is it fun to work

When he asked me I smiled and said figure it out

3. The ability to manage emotions, including the ability to regulate your own emotions, and the ability to cheer up or calm down another person.
This the third level of ei
And makes your child central to the world he exist in
It's make him responsible and dependable
Sympathetic and empathetic

Wayyaki
Mon ami
One thing I wish to share
When I was at my first meet the Homeschooler meet Mrs. AH said something that truly inspired me
She said that we try to teach our kids survival of fittest and being street smart but that is not the structure of kindness Islam gives
And I realized it was absolutely true we have made our society into a shark tank and
Why can't our kids change that paradigm

 

Dr. MM:

Yes agreed..persistence and teaching kids patience is the key to success..and never giving up.
 

SNM: 

I think children need to know that intelligence and hard work go together. If they are intelligent but not hardworking they won't be very successful. If they're average but hardworking they can still go for success and if they're intelligent as well as hardworking then there is nothing to stop them!
 

 SAA:  3 sons, 2 daughters/ ages 16 to 7

This is not a difficult thing to manage
The elders should be taught they are responsible but not by depriving them
If you ask the elder to act mature then you must also protect her childhood
The younger must also learn that he or she are building relationships
If they fight on something put it away
Ask them are they willing to share then give it
The elder is in critical stage of her growth be careful of how you treat her
Very important we indulge mostly cause we don't have time or are too exhausted to deal with their tantrum

When the elder is playing something or is on a learning spree place her in an area she won't be disturbed
If the little one finds out ask the elder to give two times then on the third ask the younger to be patient baji is not done
 Ask the elder to do little things of care for the younger and ask the younger to serve her elders
As giving water or cleaning hands or
Give them a treat and then ask to exchange
Or once ask the elder to distribute the treats and next ask the younger
Cuddle them together and laugh and talk with them
  

Ummibaps: 8 sons, 1 daughter / 2yrs to 18yrs Alhumdulillah

Bullying

Being Bullied:
Bullying is an experience a child may have at any age ,  even adulthood,  regardless of whether they go to school or not. A few things to keep in mind regarding this:

- don't panic if your child complains of being bullied...try to draw out more info regarding the incident from your child

- no matter how outraged you feel,  don't rant in front of your child

- try to get an idea of the scenario of the incident from your child. ..was the other child upset in the class / accidentally hurt by someone / something your child may have inadvertently done that may have led to a misunderstanding? Sometimes an upset child may misunderstand or react to a situation too quickly

- try to verify the info you have from your other children or your children's friends

- considering visiting the playground / workshop etc where you can view how the children are mingling .....Often incidents happen after class while waiting for rides home,  and no adult is supervising

-once you are sure that it is a case of bullying inform a teacher or supervisor to keep a vigil on the situation

- where the bullying takes form of violence,  don't wait...Visit the place it takes place and discuss the situation with the teacher  etc

This is of course in the case where the bully is another child.....The situation is very different when the bully is an adult
  Do question your child carefully...like asking
what happened before he pushed you?
did you say something first?
Did you bump him first?
Etc

Does this happen everyday?

 

SAA: Jazzakallah for the answer
I have learned that children facing social orchestrating are unaware that they are being bullied they just feel baffled and demean in their selves unable to share their hurt what should we do to help them

 

Ummibaps: SAA.....It varies from situation to situation. ...like I mentioned earlier, things are different when the bully is an adult....

The action to take depends on the situation. ..

If the bully is a teacher at school,   there is little one can do if it's only your child who is being emotionally bullied. ..you can encourage your child to be patient. ....help him strengthen his self esteem....point out and encourage his other accomplishments....

Often complaining to the school about a rude teacher makes things worse for the child in the classroom

In situations where your child does have a choice to quit a workshop and join some other,   he can do so

Where bullying is happening by those within your sphere of influence,   you can bring it to the attention of those involved  ....older siblings sometimes don't realise how their teasing or dominating behaviour may be affecting their siblings,  a person may not realise he is bullying until it's brought to his attention

 SAA: So right
It's incredibly difficult experience
There is a lot of diplomacy and cunning required to come out of this unscathed
Those very strong in their self
And comfortable in their own company
reader or singular activities doers

Do encourage an extrovert child to have more then two or more circle of friends
Encourage them to find like minded people not just follow a mob
Encourage them to have meaningful interaction with people where ever they go
 

Ummibaps:
 

Sadaf‬: 

If a new child finds it hard to be accepted in a group of kids, will this also be considered bullying ?
 

Ummibaps: Children often find change difficult and sometimes threatening......a group that is established may find a newcomer difficult to accept....because it's a change. ...

So it depends on the children and situation....

As strange as it sounds...a new boy can get pushed around for a while  by another boy....and then suddenly their friends! It's weird.

On the other hand,  a boy may not be accepted by a group because of the cues they receive from an adult /teacher....older boys often end up having to fend fir themselves to be accepted....

It's even more complicated with girls!

So it can becoming bullying...there's really no straightforward answer...

In my opinion. ...I look forward to hear more from other experienced moms insha'Allah
 

Farheeda : Indeed

 

SAA: 

It is considered plain inhospitable
Which is not bullying
but
also not an Islamic ethics
Muslims were known cause of their  hospitality
The reason it was thought in Islam was
Close knit social system or the small group of children do not allow newcomers in
In ancient times there were initiation ceremony to induct new members even in Islam their is shahadat or sometimes bait and then they were part of brotherhood
In schools there is nothing such as that
But I've heard in some successful structure they do have houses and the child must prove by choice which he belongs to and they accept him

 (Note: The above is a copy of a Whatsapp conversation,   partly edited for clarity)