How do you ensure that your child is confident and he can adjust in a new crowd?

Question : Social Skills

-How do you ensure that your child is confident and he can adjust in a new crowd?

-I have only one daughter who gets intimidated by other children easily. How can I build her confidence and social skills among her age group while homeschooling?

Note: the questions do not ask when do homeschoolers socialise ,  nor the benefits or disadvantages of  socialization .

 Mrs AH: 

what age child are we talking about?

Ummibaps: 

Since confidence develops gradually,  I'm assuming the  sisters who posted the questions were speaking of small children developing confidence. I request the sisters who asked this question to elaborate on it,  in case I have misunderstood the question.

Umm Raeyan: 

 It would be appreciated if the question is addressed in general rather than being focused on a particular age group.

Mrs AH: 

The age is relevant as to my own experience.Since none of us are entitled to speak to any more than what we've experienced and the conclusions we drew from those experiences.As such ,I don't feel we can generalize to the extent that it may apply to all ages,genders,backgrounds etc.

Ummibaps: Yes Mrs. AH.  The sisters here seek guidance and tips based on experience. So we expect to learn from your experience.

Jazakillah khayr for the reminder

Uroosa: 

The recent question was asked by me. My daughter who gets intimidated by other kids easily will be 6 in Oct. She is an introvert and loves homeschooling. My concern is she will not have close friends if her own age if I keep homeschooling her.

SAA: 3 sons, 2 daughters/ 16years to 7 years

 She is introvert
She doesn't need friends
Cause she takes energy from inside
But as she grows and finds people of similar tastes she will have great friends

Uroosa: 

Yeah.. I guess I worry because I am an extrovert and feel, having no siblings, she will be lonely when older and not dependent on us, the parents

Mrs.AH: 2 sons,7 and 15

I agree with SAA on the introvert point and will elaborate on it in my answer if the question,insha'Allah.
 As far as Sumatra's son goes.I feel the need to share that I have gone through a very similar phase with my son due to which I ended up delaying his schooling. My son,at the age of 3.5 was very attached to me and would feel uneasy in my environment (even fun ones) without me.I tried to help him by registering him in a socializing club but no luck.I had been really concerned with the fact that he might end up being a mommy's boy because everyone kept giving me hints of this fact but I ultimately realized the sheer cruelty  we expose our kids to.They have so little time to be kids,so little time to enjoy simple pleasures like connecting with your parents and making sense of the world with the guidance of your mom,whom you KNOW  has your back at all times."Who are these so called lively strangers and what do they want one to do with them?"is probably one of the many questions our kids will ask themselves while we so well intended-ly try to push them away.

I know it sounds idealistic but I stand firm by my opinion that even in a world where school going is compulsory,no child should be compelled to leave their home/parents before the he of 7
The problem is not with them, it's with us and  the solution ,as well intended as it may be,cannot be effective without taking this into consideration.

 SAA: Excellent answer jazakAllah
Introverts are never lonely cause they have a whole intricate world in them

SAA:
How do you ensure that your child is confident and he can adjust in a new crowd?

-I have only one daughter who gets intimidated by other children easily. How can I build her confidence and social skills among her age group while homeschooling?

Points to ponder insha'Allah we can make our own answers
Loud and bossy is not confidence
It's born in kids with bad parenting and fake love
It breeds bullies
Being Outspoken may also means less sympathy compassion and empathy
Being effective means not dominating the discussion but effecting the outcomes produced by it
Real confidence comes with awareness to self
Awareness to your connection with Allah
‎خدی کا سر نہاں لا الاہ اللا لاہ
In perpetual reach and struggle towards self improvement
It's not necessary to contribute in all discussion but it's essential to speak up against evil 
All values are taught by actions
Secure and happy in what you are and allowing others to make their own choices is the first step of healthy relationship
meaning confidence In self stops others from negatively effecting you and compassion and empathy stops you from being over bearing
Read up articles on self actualization it also has great tips

Ummibaps: sons, 1 daughter/ ages 18 to 2

Question : social skills

How do you ensure that your child is confident and he can adjust in a new crowd?

-I have only one daughter who gets intimidated by other children easily. How can I build her confidence and social skills among her age group while homeschooling?

On the practical aspect of this:

- it's not a matter of just being able to speak to your peers but rather most parents would like their child to be able to talk to people of all ages. They worry that a homeschooled child has less exposure to other children and people outside the family circle.

This is a misunderstanding.  As a homeschooling parent you can have your child learn to speak to people and children from diverse walks of life.

Take them to the shops and bazaar with you.  Have them oversee maintainer people in the home. Take them to parks to meet other children and invite those people and children you want your child to learn from ,  into your home.

-In order to help them to learn on how to talk and treat people accordingly,  you must guide them,  even tell them the words to use, initially.

For example ;  what s to say when offering a guest a glass of water or buying fruit from a stand.

Expect them to make mistakes and explain the way things should be handled ....like a review for next time.

( there are social skills that our Prophet SAW has taught us and should be adhered to regardless of cultural norms...do bear them in mind)

- the ability to deal with people will develop gradually over time

- even those who are considered ' confident'  when 5 along to new people are often nervous inside....that's a good thing because it can help a person remain cautious and conscious of his own speech....you wouldn't want your child to be thoughtlessly prattling away as an adult (parrots can talk too you know ...We consider them clever but do you value their advice?)

- if you or those in your family are quiet,  shy or reserved in manner by nature (personality traits) then don't expect your child to be overly outgoing .
This doesn't mean that your child shouldn't learn how to talk to people as needed or appear to be rudely unresponsive,  but don't force him to talk away merrily when it's against his nature. ....Often a person who speaks when spoken to and speaks appropriately is more valued

Sb: 2 boys, 1 girl /Ages 10-5

I was an introverted child. At dinner parties, all the other children would play together. I stayed with mother. All dinner long, my very social mother, or a well meaning aunty, would tell me to go play with the other kids. But I just couldn't. Even though I already knew most of the children.

When I got a little older, I'm guessing around 7, I somehow got confident enough to play with the other children, as long as I had a few close friends there. I was always the quiet one. I was happy to go along with whatever game we were playing. I stayed like this for the longest time.

I'm not sure how I made friends at school. My closest friends were always the confident and outspoken types. I guess they must have 'adopted' me rather than me seeking them out. Somehow we just got along even though I was always the quiet one in group settings.

It was only after I left school that I managed to pluck up the courage to initiate a conversation.  I was surprised that I could actually do this!! It was difficult, and I felt terribly nervous, but when I had to, I knew I could be somewhat social.

After getting married, I really had to work hard to be more social. I had to figure out appropriate conversation with people of all ages and backgrounds.

The real change for me came after my first child was born. Something in me made me realize that I had to speak up for my child's sake. I stopped being so nervous and over thinking conversations in my head. It was a big change for me.

Until recently, I could count on my hands the number of friends I had. They were few but very close. I never felt lonely because my socializing needs were being fulfilled by the wonderful friends I had.

I never saw myself as quiet, but everyone always told me I was. I was never lonely. I've always enjoyed  or  I don't think I'm quiet now, but I'm happy to be quiet.

🏽Sorry for long, self indulgent message.

I just wanted to convey what it's like being a quiet person.
  Based on my experiences, I'd say don't worry about building confidence right now. It will come with time and experience. My son is similar to me and I see that he also does better when he has less pressure him to initiate friendships. For me, the more pressure I felt to 'make friends' the more my mind seemed to blank out.

Emphasis should be made on learning to have meaningful conversations so that children learn how to communicate. That could be with adults or children of similar age. We had a neighbor who was my mum's friend. I loved to go see her myself some afternoons for a chat.

If your child is uncomfortable in large groups, provide small gatherings for them, or better still, a play-date with one person only. That will help more to develop social skills.

Some people are just meant to be quieter, no matter how much confidence building you do. Our religion teaches us that there is benefit in speaking less. But that doesn't mean be less friendly, less caring or less understanding. Accept your child as they are. Focus on nurturing them to be good people rather than popular people.

SM: 2sons, 1 daughter

But I've always talked to u in small groups..

 I had a very similar childhood.. extremely shy and quiet.. somewhere in the past few years I've developed an extroverted side that I never had before.. so now I consider myself an ambivert..

SAA: 

I also do advocate cause for growing kids
Cause like wwf
Or green peace or human rights
This fills them with will to do their bid for change

And reason to speak up

SI: 

U r very right Sb
I think parents worry about introvert kids because they are less accepted in the society...

Salma: 

I met you very briefly Sb, but the initial impression I had had from your messages here was reinforced after seeing you in person - that of an intelligent, articulate person who one could learn from.

As a one-time extrovert myself who's morphed into something of an introvert, your arc as you described it was interesting to read, and I'd say, seems preferable mine:) learning to speak up where it matters, i.e. And I loved what you said about less vocal being different from less friendly/caring, and the need to learn to value goodness over popularity.

Samar: 

I've been reading this discussion on socializing and confidence and I'd like to share and gain some insight from you people into this unique situation I'm facing with my son. He is eight and from the start of current academic year he is at home for hifz for which his school has allowed a 2 year break. we wanted him to keep in touch with his school friends so he attends school once a week. I am noticing that he is not looking forward to this day. He has confided to his aunt that he doesn't like school at all and he doesn't have any friends there. This came as a shock to me because otherwise he's a happy child and mixes with children in cousins, our neighborhood madrassah and our group of friends.Any ideas why he is having trouble with children in school?

Saba: 

Maybe school old friends bullying him for not being regular and he isn't catching up with the course by going once a week.. you should talk with him and ask reasons of not liking school and old friends anymore

Samar:

 It's not a matter of studies since he only has to do 4 subjects which I'm doing with him at home and he's up to his class level in them.

I recall that a couple of times b4 he said to me same things when he was going to regular school but I kinda ignored..well not totally ignored but I told him that you have to make effort to make friends,encouraged him in taking ball with him to school so that his classmates will be attracted to playing with him in break time etc but these confessions to his aunt were very unsettling for me
 I've started feeling now that this is a kinda social problem he's facing

He's a bit different from a lot of boys his age: disciplined, acts according to rules,aversion to music,loves wearing shalwar kameez etc

Mrs. AH:2 sons,7 and 15

Q:How do you ensure that your child is confident and he can adjust in a new crowd?

-I have only one daughter who gets intimidated by other children easily. How can I build her confidence and social skills among her age group while homeschooling?

A:
There is very little I can say that hasn't been said in the previous answers and I completely agree and identify with those answers.

If there is anything to take away from them it's that being an introvert or reserved person is not a "disease",not anything to fear or be concerned about,it is simply a personality type.

As a reserved person myself,I can completely understand where the child comes from and as a grown up living with this personality type I can certainly say there's nothing to fear.Introvert people thrive on meaningful relationships (with self or others) rather than the number of their social circle.

I won't say anything more,cause I really feel I'd only be repeating previous points but I'd like to strongly recommend taking a personality test on https://www.16personalities.com ,it might help get more insight and consequently reduce some anxiety and probably enable you to cater to your child's personality type.
 Btw, I also recommend you moms taking his test and exploring your own personality types.This website is amazingly accurate and helpful

Ummibaps: 

Jazakullah khair to all for answering  the last question. ...

Conclusion :

- DO evaluate what you seek by a confident child

- take the time to guide your child and put your child in situations where he will have to talk to people

- keep in mind that being a quiet and reserved may be a personality trait of your child

- the ability to deal with people develops over time,  and can change with time ,  maturity and the situation

 (Note: The above is a copy of a Whatsapp conversation,   partly edited for clarity)